Beginnings bring question marks.
“Is this going to be worth it?”
“Should I read the introduction or just skip to chapter one?”
“In sickness and in health, till death do you part?”
“Am I where I need to be?”
I’ve recently moved to Colorado, after living for two years in NYC. Last week, I found myself on a twisting road, with mountains on either side of me, and a steering wheel in my hands. Time has replaced the skyscrapers and subway systems of my past. It’s somewhat poetic, actually.
As I drove, I thought about the question marks.
“How the heck did I get here?”
“What does this year have in store?”
“Is it illegal to be driving 20 miles under the speed limit…?”
“Where am I actually going? Which direction?”
“Where am I going?” If I had a nickel for every time I asked that question. It’s an important question because the directions you’re taking directly correlate to where you end up. So I guess the real question is, where do you want to end up? What’s your end goal?
Well on this morning, my end goal was to get to the office on time. I had plugged the address into my Google Maps and was letting British Siri lead me to my destination. I had been to the office once before with a friend so I was somewhat familiar with the roads, but not enough to do it alone, I thought.
I was at the final leg of the drive as I approached a fork in the road. As I was getting closer to it, I knew I could take it from there. All I had to do was turn left. Done. Easy. But then the British lady inside my iPhone announced, “In a quaaarter of a miiiile, turnnn RIIIGHT.”
But I know I need to go left.
Nope, I think that’s wrong.
I am positive that I turn left. I am absolutely positive.
It was an insignificant moment in my life that completely stood out. I went against what I knew to be true and I turned right. I listened to the crazy British woman, who actually isn’t a real woman! I second guessed myself and let the fear of turning the wrong way rule my decision.
And in this story I literally, not figuratively, turned the wrong way. And I knew the second I did it. The map started to reroute me, and I just couldn’t believe I let the voice of an iPhone overpower my own. (*Insert unnecessary, yet extremely truthful, comment on the impacts of social media, here…*)
What’s funny about this whole situation is that as I was turning around and getting back on track, I felt God present in the whole thing. An insignificant mistake lead to a profound reflection.
How often I let outside voices influence what I know to be true in my heart. It’s so easy for us to second-guess our peace, our hope, our worth, our promises, His promises, our life as a whole.
I’m a Catholic missionary. That’s kinda weird, guys. I have let the strange glances, the “When are you going to get a real job”s, and the sympathetic looks make me question the direction I have taken. But I have found a truth that has transformed my life, and there is nothing weird about coming alive. Where am I going? What’s my end goal? I believe it to be heaven and I am happy with persevering in that direction.
I’m an actress. That’s also kinda weird, guys. And I have let the “No you’re not.”s and the “Why have you stopped doing what you love?”s make me question if I am living out the call to be an artist that I know is within me. But there is art in my heart that is everlasting and it flows out of me, no matter what I do.
I’m a single 26-year-old. It’s not weird, it’s a gift. But there have been times when I let the “Sooo do you have a boyfriend yet?!”s, and the “Time is flying by”s make me question my worth and the twists and turns I have made. And then I remember that that is flat out stupid. Woo! Your worth is indeed not dependent upon whether or not you have a significant other. And if you live in the expectation that one person is going to be responsible for your worth, you are bound to be unsatisfied and deeply hurt because no human is capable of such high demands. You are worth more than human love. BOOM. WOO! Once I discovered that truth, being patient has been full of peace because, shoot guys, we are loved no matter what the heck happens. PTL.
Long story short (too late), trust where you are. Trust what God is giving you at all times, even amidst the right turns and the wrong ones. He is using them all.